


Someone Entirely new

by gigaremo



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Time Gem Fusion, Self-Hatred, no one fuckinf look at me thwyre in love because j said so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-10 04:09:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21471838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gigaremo/pseuds/gigaremo
Summary: Jasper and Spinel want to fuse, and ask Steven to stand by and help them in case issues arise. And then issues arise.
Relationships: Jasper/Spinel (Steven Universe), Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	Someone Entirely new

Love, and hate. Sorrow, and rage. A small collection of emotions that stirred around inside her.

But she stayed all the same.

She sat atop the cliff, moon's glow soft on her and wind ruffling her mess of hair. Her legs were tucked neat against her chest, a set and a half of arms hugging them to her. The fourth was against her face, feeling the dips and curves, losing itself in her mane.

As she stared out into the night, eyes lost in that cruel ocean out there, that hand found itself wiping away tears, as well.

Steven wasn’t far- they asked him to stay by, to make sure they were okay, and didn’t mess everything up. They didn’t say the second part, but it was a concept shared between them. And a fear festering behind her eyes.

It wasn’t until she felt the warmth of a half human body aside that she realized he sat closer. And it wasn’t until looking over to him that she could see her own shaking hand on her cheek.

“How do you feel?”

That was a big question. Four words full of curiosity into their condition. Into her existence.

Her eyes drifted a moment away from him, looking instead down at the grass in front of him. It was dead, she noticed. Some green shone through, but mostly it was a decayed brown. She wanted to reach down and touch it, rip some out.

She didn’t know if she wanted to rip out the dead or thriving, though. Instead, she kept her hand against her cheek. The reminder of her existence mattered more than those swirling guilts.

She matters.

The realization of that thought started tears anew, but now she made no move to stop or wipe them. She just let them fall fat and heavy down her cheeks, riveting down her hand, falling to herself and that same grass beneath her.

Steven reached an arm out to her own, his hand small against the one hugging herself. “Ah, I’m sorry! Maybe that question was too much…”

“Uh, how about… your name! Is that one okay?”

She could hear the concern in his voice. She could practically feel it radiating off his hand. It both warmed her and disgusted her. It was an unpleasant conflict.

She lifted her eyes back off the ground and set them just above his head, the black curls shifting ever so slight under the night’s wind. Slow, she let them fall back down to his face. His eyes were heavy with concern, but his smile held hope. This warmed her, but there was no resistance to that hope like she was expecting.

Maybe she had it, too.

“Fort.”

The voice felt alien in her mouth. It was gruff, but with a lilt to it she knew but couldn’t place. She was happy with it though- it was entirely her own voice. Just her’s.

He blinked, taken aback in a way. Was it her face? Her look? Her name? She couldn’t tell, and she had to shush the voices telling her the worst.

“Fort? Is that short for something?”

Thank the stars.

She nodded. “Fortification Agate.”

“Oh! An Agate! I’ve only really met one before, her name was Holly.”

He took his hand off her to hold his chin, eyes on her. There was a smile to his face, though. Reassuring.

“You have the same kinda…” He motioned his hands above his head. “Cat ear kinda hair! Yeah, that’s a good comparison!”

She hadn’t touched that far up, just the ruffle around her neck. She took the hand from her cheek and the opposite hand off her legs, raising them both up to her hair. They both grazed something, so she explored further. Jutting up were two twin masses of hair, a messy part found in the middle of her head. In this, she brushed against a horn, and then a second, smaller one. She left her hands on them a moment.

There was so much wrong with her.

Her eyes drifted down to herself. Fat splotches of green dotted her exposed skin, like rot. It reminded her of the fuzzy patches on strawberries that fell off the bushes in the fields looked.

How revolting.

No.

The hands previously lost in her hair whipped down to grasp her second set, a vice grip holding them. As her legs fall from them down to a criss cross on the grass, her body shook while her arms were at a conflict.

She was disgusting. These horns are parasites and these patches are rot.

No. She was fine. These things mean nothing. Being different did not dismiss her as disgusting. Those words are all wrong, stop saying that.

What about you then? You think I haven’t heard you worrying over the possibility of your tear streaks staying? We’re both with shame.

Stop it. Your past being visible in us isn’t a problem, don’t worry about it.

I can say the exact same to you.

“SHUT UP.”

She was shaking. Oh, she was shaking so awful, the wind could take her away. Her one set of hands cupped her head, dipped it low and shielded it from the world. The other two were gripping them by the joints, trying to pull them off. She could feel her feet ripping at the grass like her mind wanted to earlier.

She wasn’t mindful. It wasn’t until two, small hands touched her shoulder that she even knew anything.

The first thing she knew, was the flinch away from him. She felt bad for that.

Steven was saying something. She couldn’t hear what. Was it because of her arms covering her head? Was she losing grasp around her? All she could feel was the painful tugging at her head and how wet her face was. Her mouth was moving. Is she saying something? Is it sobbing?

By the stars above she wish she knew.

It took a moment or so for the voice to reach her.

“Fort, it’s okay, I promise! I don’t know what's got you like this, but whatever it is, I can help with, hopefully! Or, if you need to, you can unfu-”

“NO.”

Her arms finally won, tearing the larger ones down to her lap. The wind on her wet face felt like a burning shame. And guilt.

He touched her arm. She didn’t flinch this time. “Are you sure? I don’t wanna force you, of course! But, I’m worried, and I’ll admit, I don’t quite know what to do- I’m used to talking to Spinel and Jasper, not Fort.”

Her eyes were locked on that ocean ahead. She both resented it and missed it.

“I’m sorry.”

“W- don’t be! This is the first time you’ve, y’know, existed! It’s okay if it’s overwhelming! I just wanna make sure that if it’s too much to handle, I can help you.”

She looked back down at her hands. Such impulsive little things.

“I…”

He looked up at her with anticipation in his eyes. And concern, but she was beginning to wonder if that’s just how he always was.

“I’m, struggling. They… they both, hate themselves, but love each other.” She made small motions with her hands, specifically the smaller hands holding the larger hands and vis versa. “I’m, conflicted, because they’re, too similar. I’m being hit with, so, so much hate and love at the same time.”

“Each one is focused on what they hate about themselves, and then telling the other that what they hate doesn’t deserve it. It’s a cycle of hate and support, but, it’s just, me. I hate and love myself, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Her eyes wandered back down to Steven. He was looking up at her, the gears in his mind turning visible via his eyes. She liked how easy to read he was.

“Maybe… okay, so, you wanna stay you, correct? You don’t wanna unfuse yet?”

She nodded hard, eyes jumping up and down like she shook a snow globe. He had to resist a laugh at that.

“Okay, so with that than, how do you feel about me grabbing Garnet? Because I wanna comfort you, but I don’t quite know how to fully do that, but she might know how to fill in those gaps.”

She thought a moment. The bottom set of eyes closed while the top two looked down. Then they closed when the lower half opened back again, looking back at him. She nodded, it was small, but meant it.

He smiled up at her. “Okay, I’ll go down and grab her, I’ll be right back!”

A part of her wanted to panic. But a large hand took a smaller one in to hold, and with that her fear soothed.

She’s not alone.

She soothed herself, small gloved hands encased in large bare ones, an action of love and care alone together from her.

She slowed when she heard steps coming her way, turning back around. She wanted to jump up and run to them, for two very different reasons, of which managed to cancel out and keep her stationary.

Steven walked his way to her, Garnet in tow. She wished she could see her eyes, Garnet wasn’t as easy to read as Steven.

When they both sat next to her, her eyes lingered a moment on the fusion in front of her. She took in her composure, the neutral face, the stability. She whipped her own face back away from her.

Jealousy. That was a new emotion, at least.

“Alright Fort, do you want me to explain, or would you like to speak for yourself?”

She gazed at him from the corner of her eyes. With a shushed voice new to herself, she said “You.”

He nodded his head, a reassuring look her way before turning to Garnet. “So, this is their first time fusing. She doesn’t wanna unfuse, but she’s also struggling with how both Jasper and Spinel hate themselves, and love each other. It’s making a struggle for her, with both sets in her. So I wanted to come get you, because I know that as much as Ruby and Sapphire love each other, and you love yourself, nothing is perfect, like you’ve said! Basically… any advice here? Fusion to fusion?”

Garnet’s face hadn’t changed while listening, perfectly neutral still. When he was done, she nodded her head and looked back to Fort.

A fear lived under the gaze of her visor. But, she tried telling herself it was unfounded, and focused instead on her words.

“Fortification. I understand the conflict inside of you. You are a representation of the love shared by Spinel and Jasper, but said love also includes them reassuring each other of their love and value. So when you’re experiencing both of them, that means those values will find conflict between the push of self doubt and the drive of love each have. It’s hard to deal with, to understand and cope with. It’s scary. But, I believe your components are both capable of getting better, and those improvements will show in you, as well. Loving yourself is hard when your gems don’t, but it is possible with hard work and compassion.”

She paused a moment, face turned to gaze out at the sea ahead of them.

“Would you like to hear something that may make it feel better?”

She had a feeling Garnet already knew her answer, but she nodded anyways.

“Being yourself is a great step towards self love. It’s hard to hate yourself when you’re surrounded by the love someone else holds for you.” She couldn’t help a smile as she spoke.

She looked down, at herself. The nagging voices still existed in the back of her mind, but they weren’t as loud as the love and joy she felt just being herself. She turned her gaze back up to Garnet.

“Thank you.”

Her smile grew. “Anytime.”

“I think, I’ll rest now. I’m happy to be here, but, I’m gettin’ tired. Next time I think I’ll try it alone?” A small, dopey smile pulled her lips crooked. “Climbin’ some trees sounds real fun, I think. Shouldn’t be too hard, either.”

As she spoke, her voice eased, lifting to a light laugh as a light encased her form. When she was gone, Jasper and Spinel took her place. Jasper sat criss cross holding Spinel’s midsection, Spinel laying her head back on Jasper’s chest, hands laying atop Jasper’s. They both wore a small smile.

“Did you have fun?”

The two looked at each other after Garnet’s question. Spinel spoke first. “I liked it, how ‘bout you dollface?”

Jasper gave a weak push to the back of Spinels head, a smile and blush adorning her face. After Spinel’s laughter quieted down, she had a more thoughtful look pass over her. “It… it was nice. I’m glad we did that.”

Spinel wore a softer smile, a hand raising to hold Jasper’s cheek. “I’m glad too. You did really well.”

Before Jasper could respond, Garnet spoke up. “She’s right, you two did well. I’m happy for you.” Her smile was warm, and Steven gave a hearty nod with his own smile.

Jasper gave a quiet hum in response. Before she could wander too far in thoughts, Spinel spoke up. “Hey, let’s head to bed, yeah? I’m tired and I know for a fact you are too. C’mon.”

She stepped out of Jasper’s lap to stand, offering her partner her hand. She accepted, standing with her, hand still in hand.

Steven started to get up himself. “Yeah- you know I love you guys, but you chose to do this kinda late.” To make his point, he yawned into the back of his hand.

As they all started their way down, he stayed back a bit and turned to Garnet. “So uh, how come you were already on your way up to the cliff?”

Instead of a verbal answer, she just raised her right hand.

“Oh, yeah. That.”

**Author's Note:**

> btw i wrote rhis with a design in mind that i made https://hateboat.tumblr.com/post/187869540869/might-as-well-post-them-here-because-i-have-three :^y


End file.
